Question from Kelly

[Elyse Orecchio]

Hi Dr. LaFarge, this is from a member who could not make the chat:

My sister's husband does not care for their dogs - he did when they were young but now he has changed. He is constantly picking fights with my sister and giving her the ultimatum - the dogs go or I do. She is asking me for advise on what to say when he comes up with this - I am not sure - other then to tell him to grow up. Please help - I want to give her good advise and try to help this situation. They are beautiful dogs who have been with them for over seven years - I don't understand his behavior either!
Thanks,
Kelly

[Dr. Stephanie LaFarge]

Kelly, You are right to be very distressed about this situation. Not only is the marriage at risk but so are the dogs. Often the pets become stand ins for other tensions between a couple. It appears to be about the dogs but it may be about other aspeects of their relationship. It is possible that your sister's hushband has other issues like depression or job anxiety etc that cause him to appear more tense and irritable at home. He may mistakenly feel that the dogs are a safe target. Since threatening your spouse with an ultimate is never an appropriate way to handle a problem, I strongly suggest she ask her husband to participate in either counseling or mediation with an outsider to settle this problem. If the dogs are the ONLY problem it will only take 1 or 2 sessions to resolve the issue. When speaking with an outside person, she may learn that her husband is actually afraid to watch the dogs age and wants to avoid that by getting rid of them now. In other words there are many reasons for his response. She needs to get more information using a neutral person.