Sweet Dani

[Val]

Hello,

My first pet, my little girl Dani was put to sleep 4 weeks ago. Her info is on MY PAGE, but she succumbed to Renal failure after many years of varied health problems. But she was a surviver, a little toughie despite all that. We got her from a shelter, and she was an old lady, but gentle, sweet loving soooo GOOD, Hubby and I miss her TERRIBLY.

I went to a pet bereavement group, have called several hotlines, and have tried two therapists, but haven't found them helpful. I have ENORMOSE guilt about the last year-6 months, when I feel I pulled back from her somewhat. People tell me that after 7 1/2 years of health issues that were getting worse, (I had to watch her constantly, especially the last 6 months, and that put a big drain on me, I had burnout, and it is only natural that I did that, and others do it too, so I am told. But I am horrified that I did this, (even if subconciously)...I still gave her all her medical treatments, but I ask myself, why didn't I give her more attention, especially if she was sick. Did she still know I loved her????

I have two problems, I MISS HER TERRIBLY, and I HAVE ENORMOUS GUILT, which may be the worse of the two, because I am horrified by the thought that she might have thought I didn't love her, because I did pull back.......I DID spend time with her, but then I now know, in hindsight, that I did pull back a little, and I could have given her more attention. I can't re-do it.

I am beating myself up and nothing makes me feel any better, I just cry a lot. Remenicing hurts, and the guilt is horrible.

My husband is doing the healthy thing, I think, which is to reminice and talk to friends a lot, remembering the times when she was healthier. I am on another page.....reminicing HURTS too much, and I think of the times when I could have paid her more attention....Just looking at her picture sends me into tears.

Thank you for reading my lengthy post.

Sweet Baby Girl, we are forever friends, and our hearts will love you for eternity.

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[Gypsy]

What u r feeling is completely natural....but the truth is, you rescued her, gave her a home and took care of her the best you did...how could she not have been happy even if u didn't smother her with hugs and kisses 24/7 toward the end ?...

I still don't know why/how my baby girl died so quickly, suddenly and I COULD torture myself everyday dwelling on the fact that the morning she was sick, I HAD to work and couldn't be there to comfort her...but she was NOT alone, my room mate was there to take care of her.....I rescued her from a shelter, took care of her the best I could , gave her all the love n affection in the world...and the day she got sick was the SAME day I took her to the hospital...I know I didn't fail her and thats all that matters.

I don't doubt she loved you till the end, not only that, her spirit will always be grateful to you for all that you did for her...just believe that :)

[Sarah: Wren&Cricket&Paco's Momma]

I agree completely with Antonia. I had a similar circumstance to what you're going through when I was 7. My first dog, a beautiful female collie named Abby passed away when she got hit by a car. I was at my Dad's house that weekend, and on our way home Momma told me Abby wasn't there anymore that she got hit and passed away. I started crying and didn't believe her. When we got there I ran around for hours calling her name and looking for her. I never forgave myself for two years. Then one night I had a dream about her. She came to me and told me she loved me, that she forgave me, and that she would always be with me. I know some people will chalk it up to the subconscienous mind trying to heal itself, yaddy yaddy blah blah blah. I believe it was Abby letting me know she love me and that it was okay, that she forgave me. Call me crazy if you want to, i really dont care. I'm a very spiritual person and believe that our furry, scaley, feathered, etc. friends never leave us that they stay with us guiding us through life. Your baby girl knows that you love her and that if you did withdraw it was a subconsciencous effort to protect yourself, that it didnt mean you didn't love her that you were defending yourself against pain, which is what you needed to do. I believe she loves you and will never leave your side, no matter what, and will be there to see you again when you reach the rainbow bridge.

I hope this can make you feel a little better.

-Wren and Cricket's Momma

[Val]

Thank you Antonia and Sarah,

I am sorry for both your losses. Thank you for sharing your stories.

I just wanted the best for my baby, and I just still cannot be sure that she knew how much I cared, given how I withdrew. ESPECIALLY, now in hindsight, we realized how sick she was for longer than we thought, even the Vet didn't know, because her kidney tests showed normal, and she had other health issues. But if the Vet didn't know, we couldn't know either, although I think hubby and I "felt" the end was nearing, and maybe that is another reason I pulled back, although that doesn't take away the pain of not knowing if she knew I loved her still. What's worse than being sick AND thinking your mommy doesn't care as much anymore......
I talk to her, I ask her to show me a sign in some way that she forgives me, and that she is happy and not suffering anymore. I have gotten nothing.

Thanks again ladies.

[Suzie Laughlin]

You only pulled back a little from the pain you were feeling for her. She knows that you never stopped loving her. Don't punish yourself.

You have my condolences on your loss, and my prayers to help you get through this.

[Lisa]

Val,

Rest assured that the guilt and grief you are experiencing many of us of have. If only I had noticed this or paid more attention to that...the memories are endless coupled with doubt of my actions and level of attention to my Rayne. I will have been without my beautiful boy (Rayne) for six months on 6/18/09...so I do understand the emotions, stress and guilt that comes from thinking that he(Rayne) thought for even a second that I did not love him as he was led from the exam room meowing horribly only to leave this earth only moments later. So cry...rage against the horror of it all..it's okay..it's understandable but the love/care and affection that you gave your sweet baby girl was known by your fur baby and will be remembered by you in time.

In support, grief & understanding,
Lisa, Rayne (12/18/08) & all of the fur babies.

[Ed]

Val:
I know how painfull is is right now and I'm guessing that you wish you were where your husband is emotionally. The fact that you adopted her from a shelter and took care of her should be testament to the love (and I'm positive she knew it then as well as now) you shared. I too, felt the intense pain and guilt for what seemed like too long a time. When friends and family tried to get me to move on, I couldn't - I cried for three weeks solid. What I learned, though, is that there's no time limit on grief - that it's different for everyone. It's ok to grieve - try not to get pushed down by the guilt, though.
Bless you and your Sweet Baby Girl.

[Val]

Thank you everyone..........I have not been around because I suffer chronic pain, and have had a very bad bout the last week.

I acknowledge all your losses and my heart is with you. I thank you for sharing for me and others who read this. I will anwer and respond more in depth to you all when the physical pain is better (hopefully soon)......I just wanted to thank you all again, and you are all very kind.
Val

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[Suzie Laughlin]

I know what you are going through with chronic pain. I have lived with it for about the last 20 years, and know how unbearable it can be. My prayers are with you, hope you feel better soon.

[Elizabeth Moger]

All I would like to say..........She knew you loved her....Animals know when to run from storms we don't predict, and who to trust when there are strangers around....they KNOW when there is true love there. My condolences.

[mrs sharon clinton]

Val, i have been reading your pages on your beautiful cat Dani. I am sad for you. I know how you feel i lost my siamese cat celine one week ago tomorrow. i feel alot of feelings you have, bye from sharon

[Val]

Thank you everyone.......I am sorry for your losses, and I thank you for taking the time to try to make me feel better. It is almost 7 weeks, and the lonliness is sinking in more.....the apartment is getting more lonely. I am considering voluntering again like I did years ago, but don't know if it is too soon, I got some info today and am very depressed seeing other animals and coming home to my angel gone.

Thank you for your kind words, and my heart is with you on your losses.

Val

[Val]

Hi everyone,
Thank you very much. I loved her so much, but I also, as a human being, got tired of treating her medically, especially the last 6 months or so. Everyone I have talked to has said this is normal, I am human. I treated her medically for 7 1/2 years, and I was just tired and burned out. I am devastated that she probably picked up on that and might have thought of that as rejection. I loved her, but just didn't want to do the medical stuff anymore. Does that make me a horrible person??? Everyone I know tells me no, and it is normal, and I did above and beyond medically, but she hated the medical stuff., and I don't know what my Dani thought.
I will never know, and this thought kills me.

Thanks everyone...
Val