RX For Animals

[DawnDawn]

How to give a cat a pill:

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it gently in your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth, and gently apply pressure to the cheeks, while holding the pill in your right hand (this is how MY vet told me to pill my cats. Ha.) As the cat opens its mouth, pop the pill into the mouth, then allow it to close its mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve the pill from the floor and the cat from behind the sofa. Repeat process.

3. Retrieve the cat from under the bed and throw the soggy pill away.

4. Take a new pill from the foil wrap and cradle the cat in your left arm, holding firmly to the back paws with your left hand. Force jaws open and push the pill to the back of the cats throat with your finger. Hold the cat's jaws closed for ten seconds.

5. Retrieve the pill from the goldfish bowl and the cat from the top of the wardrobe. Call your spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on the floor with the cat wedged firmly between your knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly while forcing a wooden ruler into the cat's mouth. Slide pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from the curtain rail and get another pill. Make a note to buy a new ruler and have curtains repaired. Sweep up shards of shattered figurine and set aside to be glued together later.

8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visibly poking from under his or her armpit. Put the pill in a drinking straw. Open the cat's mouth with the pencil, insert straw and blow down drinking straw.

9. Make sure pill is not harmful to humans, and drink a beer to take the taste of the pill away. Apply bandage to spouse's forearm, and remove blood from the carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Put cat in cupboard and close the door on its neck leaving it's head showing (note: no cats were harmed in making this joke. Quite the contrary, in fact.) Force cat's mouth open with a dessert spoon and flick the pill into mouth with an elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on its hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Drink shot. Apply cold compress to cheek and check vaccination records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch a clean one from closet.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the cat from the tree across the road. Apologize to the woman who ran her car into a fence swerving to avoid the cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to a leg of the dining room table. Get heavy-duty garden gloves from the shed. Push the pill into cat's mouth followed by a large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour about 2 pints of water down its throat to wash the pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room to get the pill shards removed from your eye. Sit quietly while the doctor rinses and patches your eye, and cleans and stitches your fingers and forearm. Call a furniture shop on the way home and order a new dining room table.

15. Call SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell, and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

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[Sandy B]

Hilarious!! Having wrestled my cats, I so identify!!